On A Typical Day

Sources tell me that we have to do a task at least 21 times for it to become habit. What an interesting thing to think about: that we can be conditioned to do certain tasks, and do so mindlessly. Be it tap your toothbrush on the sink before you apply the toothpaste (to knock off the excess water, of course), sleep on the right-hand side of the bed, or the action of tossing your hair every few minutes. We all have those habits that we do, unintentionally, without real rhyme or reason.

We also have, of course, those things that we choose to do. Day after day. 

Upon waking up, I am now welcomed by the crisp morning air that has filled my bedroom. The bright sunshine seems to suddenly fill every nook and cranny of space I remembered being so overwhelmed by darkness the previous night. (But, with a window that takes up my entire wall, I guess that this is not an impossible task to change from one to the other so drastically.)

In the beginning of a brand new day, I enjoy walking from my bedroom to the living room to sit and pause.

Gazing out of my living room window with my steaming mug of coffee in hand, I love the time I have-- to think and to just, talk with God. This doesn't always happen, but it's great when I make the time to do so. These few minutes of the morning seem to only belong to me, and it's great when I remember to share them with my creator.

I love mornings when I choose to pause and gaze at God's greatness. 

I have several habits (as I'm sure, most do as well) that are sprinkled throughout my day. And, I don't even know if I could tell you what they are off the top of my head. 

But I do know that I would like to say that I take the time to converse with God through all of the many moments that fill my typical day.

That would be a great, typical day for me.

Cheers to making this a habit.... because I hate realizing that I have reacted to a situation without asking for God's assistance in making a judgment. Especially when I am selfish in that reaction.

If You Could See What I See...

I see the sun peeking from behind the clouds after a full day in hiding.

I see houses being washed in sunlight after a long and dreary day of gray rain.

I see full drying racks, atop the roofs, with a layer of plastic to shield the clothes from the day's down pour.

I see cars driving as if they have just woken up; their first movements of the day. I see them creep down the roads that twist and turn through all of Beit Jala.

I see trees dancing in the wind as they are joyful for having a long day filled with a lasting drink of water.

I see wild dogs emerging from their hiding places to stake their claim of the land once more.

I see kids peeking through the windows of their houses to catch a few glimpses of the clear sky as the clouds retreat.

I see a world truly thankful for the water of the day.

I see the papers surrounding me that I must continue to grade....

Seeing the Joy

So, it's Friday. My day off.

hmm... I like days off. I find myself, today, just spending some time in reflection. (That is, after watching a few episodes of Band of Brothers-- a great series, if I do say so myself...) But afterwards, I must get busy with preparing for tomorrow and the following week.

(I'm asking myself the same question: Wait, but isn't this my day off?)

I'm growing in admiration for teachers everywhere, though, as days off don't really exist in this profession. Sure, I may not be teaching today, but my brain is constantly at work. Trying to figure out the best way to discuss the next lesson, discerning my actions + words done in the classroom, and the inevitable task of grading. It never ends.

And, I think this fact brings a freshness to it as well as the danger of it becoming mundane. As with almost any profession, the danger of not seeing the beauty in the day is constantly battling for my attention.

I continually have to remind myself to look at the goodness of the day, and not harbor on those things that tend to bring me down. It's in these moments I have to hold fast to the joys that live alongside me. I have several students who are filled with love (and lots of energy!). They lavish me with smiles and hugs (on all of our days together: the good, the bad, and the ugly).

I have one student who never ceases to kiss me on the cheek when we are sitting outside during break. She is a precious jewel filled with so much love. But, man, she can say some things that surprise. I cannot pretend that the status of the occupation does not pull on her; for just yesterday she made an alarming comment that came from out of nowhere. As she sits at my side, playing with and twirling my hair, -- she erupts with: "Miss, I hate the wall! I can't go anywhere I want! I'm always so bored... I wish that we would have freedom. I don't like this."

This is from an eight year old girl.

She knows nothing of the other side but of the officers who guard the "fence" with their loaded guns, who deny entry to the other side for her family except on days they are granted (which, for most here, does not happen but once or twice a year). While, this side's (our side) soldiers, hold nothing but guns that could be equated with toys... as they are not loaded. Sure, this side has a lot of emotion, but I can't help but think that I would probably have the same reaction if in their shoes. I'm almost positive I would have pains, a head full of confusion, and the immense feeling of inadequacy.

I can't imagine what it feels like to know of a different time. A time better than this one, as the wall was not built but six or so years ago. I can't imagine knowing that my land used to be such and such size, but now is reduced by more than half. I can't imagine knowing friends and family members who have now died at the mercy of a gun, simply for existing.

I know life is hard wherever you are. I know that we all have days that are not what we expected, and I know that we are not granted anything of comfort in this world. But, I can tell you, it's difficult watching those around me suffer.

It's difficult seeing both sides of the turmoil ...in pain.

All I can do is pray. Praying for God to continue working here. Praying that God would work mightily here to mend the hurts that exist. Praying that His goodness would be what holds the attention of the people dwelling in this land. Praying that His steadfast love would occupy the hearts and minds of those I live among. Praying for softened hearts to see His truth. Praying for the spirit of fear to crumble, on both sides of the wall.

Praying that God would let me speak truth and show His love to those I interact with on a daily basis.

Praying that I would continually focus on those joyful moments so that I can continue on this journey that is set before me. Praying that I would always see God in it all.

Job (The Person, Not the Task...)

I write this today to simply acknowledge a life of a man who inspires, challenges, and moves me to become greater.

This man is Job, a man of steadfast character. He was blessed, yes, with material possessions... beyond anything I can imagine. He had 7,000 sheep, 3,000 camels, 500 yoke of oxen, 500 female donkeys, and many, many servants. In fact, he is quoted as being "the greatest of all the people of the east." (Job 1:3)

But, let's take a look at his character, shall we? What was so great about this guy?

Well, for starters, he was steadfast in his boldness, his humility, and his giving spirit.

He was aware of God's greatness and succumbed his life to be what God intended. He was not prideful of the things given to him, and his faith never wavered-- even when everything left his grasp. And, I mean... everything. His family. His possessions. And later, his health... all of it, was taken without warning.

Job's initial response to all of this?

"The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." (1:21)

Even when Job's friends questioned his faithfulness to God. Even when Job did not feel God's guidance; or God's spirit accompanying him, Job remained steadfast.

"As God lives, who has taken away my right, and the Almighty, who has made my soul bitter, as long as my breath is in me, and the spirit of God is in my nostrils, my lips will not speak falsehood, and my tongue will not utter deceit." (27:2-4)

I'd heard of Job's life before, but I'd never really studied it on my own {aka, read the whole book without ceasing}. And let's just say that I am now a huge, huge fan {even more so than before}.

Thank you, Job, for showing your honesty, upholding your integrity, and for living a life that was right before God's eyes. Thank you, also, for showing satan that he holds no power over our great and wonderful God.

"Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." - Psalm 73:25-26

Quote of the Day...

"Miss, 

                  why 

aren't 

  you 

                  married?!?"

Ooohh... goodness..

Exactly.

Some people, I think, wonder how I can move locations, meet new people, be engulfed by different cultures, and adapt so easily. 

My friend, who is here with me, recently wrote about her trip to the States over the holidays. I feel like this next quotation explains my feelings all too well, which is why I have posted them to share.  

______________________

"It was absolutely wonderful to see friends and family and to learn that I can, in fact, go home again. I was able to pick up where I left off and enjoy the company of good people and relationships that are well-worth preserving. What an incredible blessing.


Yet I was also reminded, more than ever, that my heart is now officially in two places. I loved being in America, but simultaneously yearned to come back here - to the places and people that now make Bhem in the W.B. my home. It seems my fate is sealed: no matter what happens, I will always love where I am and miss where I've been. 

I know some of you who have moved can relate. There is a restlessness, though not one of discontent. It aches, but there is a fullness in the gift of being able to love so deeply and broadly. 

...I know there is good work to be done here, and if the light in our kids' eyes and their thirst for knowledge is any indication of God's spirit moving (which I'm confident that it is), it's an exciting place to be in an exciting time."


______________________


This, I think, sums it up. I never know where God is wanting me to go next, and my heart grows heavy with each step taken in the direction He shows. Heavy for the new surroundings, new people, and new circumstances - while, at the same time, heavy for those I have left. 


I care. I love. I cherish. Both.

Not Your Typical Mathletes

"Ok, what's 5 plus 8?" I ask, while looking intently into Miriam and Achmed's eyes.

They both pause, each looking at me to double-check that I don't have the answer written across my forehead or something as blatantly obvious as that. And when no answer is seen, they fidget their hands together in such a way that it appears that they are speaking in sign language. When, what is really the case: they are counting from five with their hands. 

Miriam, impatient, screams, "15!!!" And when I do not give her a high-five to prove that she has conquered this round, she answers again. "No, no, 18!!!" 

"Miriam, you're guessing," I say, "Think about it."

At this, Achmed chimes in, "13!! 13!! 13!!" 

"Exactly! Mabrook! {Congratulations!}" Of which is followed by a round of high-fives. 

Achmed may have won this battle, but Miriam.. she is tenacious. She is determined to take more wins than her challenger. Sure, it may be chilly outside, but the cold is no match for her will power. 

It. Is. On. 

For forty-five minutes today, these two children were by my side. And I drilled them like their lives were on the line. I gave math problem after math problem with triple the amount of high-fives to match. We laughed as we exchanged bits and pieces of Arabic along with our English, and Miriam equally enjoyed quizzing Achmed and I on our knowledge of addition {Achmed and I tied, most of the time.}.

Oh, first graders... They are so full of life. 

These are just two of the children that I am blessed to have the opportunity to love. 

They may not be my own students, but spending time with them after school as they wait for their rides is pure joy. 

I'm so blessed to know them, care for them, and love them as if they were my younger siblings. 

Simply, blessed. 

PTL!

After 5 months in country...

I 

have 

a 

volunteer 

VISA!!!

Hey God...

Thanks for your patience with me. I know that my heart tends to wander at times, and I really hate that about myself. I really wish I could be as steadfast as you. But, I guess that's why you gave us Your Spirit. So we could lean on your strength, and not ours. Thanks for that.

I don't know if I ever will really be able to comprehend the many things you do (and have done) for us. The whole concept of grace, for instance, is.. man, incomprehensible. I can't imagine that kind of love to just be given. But yet, that is exactly what you did. And do. Time and time again..

I know that you call me out to live a life that is counter-cultural. To live a life that reflects your goodness.. so others can see the work that you have done on my soul, and I really am trying to do that. I'm sorry that I am weak, at times, and doubtful. I don't like having Jonah moments.

I think this is one of those moments where I am just, waiting. As the second semester is about to commence, thoughts of what my next step is going to look like are starting to cloud my mind. I'm unsure the way to go. Or, am I even supposed to move? Do you want me to stay here?

I'm not certain on what You have in store for me. But, I'm going to keep on walking.

Please guide me, Lord. Please, also, grant me strength and patience (especially on those days where I'm just really upset for not knowing).

Thanks for everything...

I really am glad that I am Yours.

To Be A Cloud

I watch as clouds dance through the sky, as they move from place to place. As I sit, confined to my living room {For now at least, as grading will take up most...if not all.. of my day.}, I can't help but wonder what it would be like to be a cloud. To be weightless. To have the freedom to float and move along with the wind. Nothing holds them down. They are, the ultimate vagabonds.

Oh, the things clouds see! They roll and tumble through the vast, open air and gaze over mountains as if they were small ant mounds. The land they see is endless. Whereas, my view seems to end merely at the horizon. And the night sky... OH, the night sky! To a cloud, it must appear like a million lights that are brighter than anything I have seen yet. A light show with no comparison that I could ever dream.

To see and feel the immense vastness of the universe, that is a cloud's every day life.

They see and feel God's immenseness in every second. His ability to control. His ability to BE.

I strive for that vision. I strive for that mindset. To not be distracted by the view set before me, and to always remember the Creator. God is bigger. He is greater. He simply, IS and always has been.

Oh, to be a cloud...

The White Rabbit

I live in a place where reality is easily altered.

Inconsistency. That's the word I'm looking for. Inconsistency, my dear friend, is something I'm learning a lot about.

In fact, somedays I feel a lot like Alice, from Alice In Wonderland. I roam the streets of this wonderland of a place trying to keep up with the White Rabbit (who is leading the way), and always doing so in a hurry. The swiftly moving rabbit does not allow me to really process or really take in my environment because I am so intently focused on him (most of the time). The White Rabbit is not always in the same form. Most days, it is a new task with a new face altogether. Meaning: I am constantly learning-- and constantly on the move. 

Today, for example, my White Rabbit was the Ministry of Interior. 

(To those of you just reading, I have gone through several loops up until this point, trying to obtain a volunteer visa for my current position. These next few paragraphs will explain a little of today's journey in that process...)

Let's travel back in time to yesterday, shall we? 

Yesterday, I was going about my day when I received a phone call from one of the lawyers handling my case.

"Angela?"

"Yes, this is she."

"It's very urgent for you to come to the Ministry of Interior (MOI) tomorrow at 10:00 am. Can you do this?"

"Sure. I can do that."

"Ok, great. A lawyer will meet you there."

"Ok, thanks."

Now, up until this point (since October), I have heard little to nothing about my current visa status. I have been in this on-going appeal process for most of my stay in this country. So to hear of this urgent matter out of the blue like this, was a little.. unnerving. Nonetheless, I knew I should go in to the MOI the next day to hear of my visa's outcome. Am I to stay here? Am I to go back to America? Who's to say? 

This morning, waking up and getting out the door on time was easy. Hopping a taxi at 8:45 to the checkpoint was a breeze. And completing the checkpoint was a cinch. {There is something to say about this event: It is really miraculous that crossing over took little to no time as sometimes it can take up to one hour --and more-- to get through! And, the length of the line holds no weight on this time discrepancy. It is merely the guard's attitude that day that causes the change. Yay! Today was a good day.}

After walking on the other side of the wall, I was informed by some local Arabs that the bus whose route leads to Jerusalem had moved its stops. It was now parked in a fenced in parking lot as opposed to in the open street, waiting for passengers to board. Once full, my bus started on its trek to Jerusalem at approximately 9:15 only to be stopped by an Israeli guard. We were then told to go back in the parking lot and wait... 

Wait for what? Did we do something wrong? What are they looking for? 

No explanations given (to me, at least), we reverse and pause our journey. Ten minutes pass with every second carrying the weight of immense angst, as I am worried that I will miss my urgent meeting that was now only thirty minutes away. I really needed that bus to begin to drive if I had any hopes of getting to Jerusalem on time. 

The guards finally let us leave the premises, but only after having us get on another bus. 

Driving down the road, all I can think about is getting to the MOI on time. I'm hoping that traffic is not heavy when we arrive into town and am annoyed at myself for not leaving my apartment earlier. Why did I think it pertinent to press snooze so many times this morning? Why did I not hasten my steps while getting ready?

My thoughts were then interrupted by the sound of police sirens. What's this? We are being pulled over... They want us to get out?! And so, that is what happened. My entire bus had to evacuate and were told to board the next bus that drove by. So we wait. 

Thankfully, we did not have to wait but for a few minutes. When that next bus came, internally I was going crazy. Instead of the calm being that I was exuding, I wanted to jump out from the crowd and race everyone into the bus. Every ounce of my being wanted to steal the wheel. Steal the wheel --and drive like the wind. With this thought, I held the belief that I could teach myself to drive standard from that point to Jerusalem and still manage to get to my end destination quicker than all of this stop-and-go nonsense. But using better judgment, I quickly calmed myself down and boarded the bus like a civil human being. 

Having just climbed into the bus, I turn to search for a seat when I feel a tugging on my wrist. I had been taken ahold of by an elderly Arab woman who was seeking to protect me from having to sit next to a man. Wow, am I thankful for her boldness and for her caring nature, ha! So, I sat next to her. Counting down the seconds.  

It's 9:51 and I feel as if every red light we approach is seeking to taunt me. "Nanner-nanner-nanner, You won't be on time today if I can help it!"

Where are those flying cars that should have been invented by now?! I could really go for one of those...

FINALLY!! We're at my stop! And, it's 10:00-- dead on. All I need to do now is race across town (but only a few blocks) to the Ministry of Interior.

I rush pass the old city to my right and several casual moving citizens (who looked as if I were a tornado that had just disrupted their movement). "They have no idea," I thought to myself. "I NEED to be at the MOI now." 

Breathless from running, I arrived at the Ministry at 10:08 am --and in a panic. Have I missed my appointment? Is everything lost? Relieved at the sight of my lawyer, I calm down as she tells me that nothing has happened yet. Apparently, the woman who is to receive my case is not at her desk at the moment. Whew! I'm ok. 


So, we wait.

And we wait.

And we wait.

We then ask around to find out where the woman from desk #2 is located.

"Wait." We are told. Well, there's something new for the day!

But, patience is a virtue. And, it's one I should practice. With a grateful heart.

So we wait some more.

10:40 rolls around and we are told that after one of the ladies has her break and is back at 11:00, she will look at my passport to decide if she can help me. Wait, so...why can't you look at my passport now? I don't understand... but keep my mouth closed.


11:07 -- I am ushered over to the first desk where I am told that the lady (from desk #2) who called my lawyer yesterday, is now out sick. The lady from desk #1 will look over my passport today and see if she can help me.

I watch as she holds my passport in hand and clicks away on her computer. Click! Click! Click! {A few facial expressions I cannot interpret.} Click! Click! Click! And then, she hands my passport back to me.

No luck.

Nothing is found in the computer system.
Nothing new.
Nothing urgent.

I am told to come back on Sunday. Perhaps new information will be had for me then.

But... what about that phone call yesterday that spoke of my visa status as if it were a life or death situation?! What do you mean there is nothing found in the computer system?? I am so over trying to figure this all out... 

Mouth shut. I process my thoughts.

Looks like the chase is still on for the White Rabbit!


-----


I feel like this is just one of the many examples of God teaching me patience. In and with all things.

I'm learning more and more what it means to pray without ceasing. I heard it said that prayer should be interwoven in and throughout your day. Imagine, if you will, that prayer is like a thread. With this thread, we are to bind our days together. That is what praying without ceasing looks like. It's me, praying on the bus as I board the first time. It's praying in those moments where I'm waiting with no resolution. It's praying that I would always be the person God would like me to be when I'm faced with a dilemma or something I do not understand. It's praying in all of those moments, and sooo many more. It's allowing God to hear my heart, at all times.

God's also teaching me compassion, and not hatred. I have compassion for both sides of this situation, realizing that both live in worlds saturated in fear.. that in turn, brings about injustice.

Praying that I would grow more and more in this journey of mine. And, praying that one day I will catch this particular White Rabbit ---the visa decision-- so I don't go crazy.

Until next time!

Sending love.
From Wonderland.

Collision

Two major people groups live in this land;

Two worlds beside one another. 

You would think that friendships would ignite, but

Together they are a mix that resembles oil and water. 

Both call God the utmost, 

The All Knowing One. 

Both seek Him day and night,

Before anything else is done. 

They fast, they pray and strive to do their best. 

What they do not know, however, goes beyond their tests.

You see, God is love. 

He holds the key to life. 

But, the people here are held captive

By the god who brings strife.

The god they serve is blinding them, 

So that they are unable to see. 

But God, He desires for them all to know, 

For them all to believe. 

God desires to hold their hearts, 

So close, so dear. 

He desires for them to be-- 

Ever beside, ever near. 

"What is preventing this?"

You stop and ask. 

Why, it is the work of the fallen world. 

And the fallen angels (or demons) who are up to the task. 

The task that lies before them here, 

Is the one set in place by the first who fell. 

The first, who decided to seek pride with his all, 

Condemning him to hell. 

This first one, whom most refer to as satan, 

Is the one who delights in pain. 

He delights in hiding truth, 

From all again and again.

It is up to us, the warriors of light, 

The believers, strong and bold. 

To stand in the truth that comes from God, 

And everything He holds. 

He holds justice.

He holds peace. 

He delivers. 

He redeems.

But it is up to us, God's hands and feet, 

To do the things He plans. 

We must set aside our wants and wishes, 

And say, "Yes" to His demands. 

We must choose to follow. 

We must choose to love. 

We must choose to complete 

All tasks sent from above. 

The world needs to know-- 

That God is one of compassion.

He gave us Jesus, 

So that we may know his fashion.

No, I'm not talking about vogue or dress, 

I do not mean to provoke. 

I am referring to the truth and manners, 

Of which Jesus spoke.    

Jesus taught us all with His life, 

To put your enemy above your own.

He gave to us the best gift, 

A free key to our Heavenly home. 

What needs to happen now, 

Is for the message of Jesus to grow. 

It needs to collide with this fallen world, 

And the seeds of hope need to be sown. 

Imagine, if you would, 

Of an earth reborn.

This earth would be free of wrath;

And, free from scorn.  

This is the world that I hope and dream

Would spring up from this place I call home. 

This place that is miles away, 

From anything else I've known. 

I pray for the families who reside here. 

I pray that they may become new. 

I pray that Christ would enter into these lives of religion, 

Both, for the Muslims and the Jews. 

This would be a wonderful collision, 

Bearing blessings and freedom. 

Praying for this nation, 

That these people would join God's kingdom.